I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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