If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
