I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
