I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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