he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
