I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
being pregnant is like rehab
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
