she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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