the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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