I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
