i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
