Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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