Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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