he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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