i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
