Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
