Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
