Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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