He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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