The maid of honor just puked.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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