Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
