Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we're so committed to being not committed
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
