I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
