There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
