i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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