if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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