I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
