oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
