I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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