We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
