On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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