I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
