ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
