All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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