Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
