Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
