Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
