He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
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Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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