I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
