Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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