Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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