when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
