I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
