Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
