I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This is my gift to your gina
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
