God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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