Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
