I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
