Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
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I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.