Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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