I accidentally burped into my bong.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
