If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
