You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
