I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
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The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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