Sry I called you an 8
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
