proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.