complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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