I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
