I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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