Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper