Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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