Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
