Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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