I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did I show you my penis last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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